Holiday Humor

I saw this in today's newspaper and thought it was hilarious:





When I found the picture online, I also came across the following funny:



Christmas Carols for the Mentally Infirm:


Schizophrenia – Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia — I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic – Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and…..

Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Town (He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake!)

Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Attention Deficit Disorder — Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder — Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

Agoraphobia — I Heard the Bells of Christmas Day But Wouldn’t Leave My House

Senile Dementia — Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

Tourettes – Dashing through the {bleep} snow. On a one {bleep} horse open {bleep} sleigh. Over the {bleep} {bleep} {bleep} {bleep} … {bleep}

Alzheimers – On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me… ummm….

Narcolepsy - Jingle bellssssssss {whistle} {snore} {whistle}

Which Story Do You Want to Read?

A little over a year ago, I had a two-part post about how I was Living the Dream. In the second part, I explained about a month of craziness call National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo for short) where people consume enormous amounts of caffeinated beverages and induce huge amounts of stress by accepting the challenge to try and write 50,000 words or more in 30 days. Why do they do it? For the same reason people climb Mt. Everest - just to be able to say proudly that they did it ... that's all. There are some who have gone on to become published authors, but most don't.

I made my first attempt and generate a whole whopping 1,836 words. That's right! I lasted one whole day.

Well, November 1 is fast approaching and I am gearing up to give it another go. I think I can break last year's record. It shouldn't be too hard. All I have to do is last two days instead of one. But, really, my goal is to reach the 50,000 word mark. There is no better time to do this than right now. Okay, if you really knew my schedule you would think I am totally insane for even considering doing this, but I have procrastinated this goal for way too long as it is.

The first major obstacle that I am facing is deciding what to write about. I have a number of ideas in various stages of development and I am having a hard time choosing between them. This is where you can help. Read through the various descriptions below and let me know what your top three favorites are by taking the polls at the right of this blog. I would really like to know what interests you the most.

• What if Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy had become friends that first day at Hogwarts instead of enemies? (Potter)



• What if the unwilling human host of a cyborg woke up mid-way through his assasination mission? This one has political intrigue, a love interest, and more! (Cyborg)



• What if a retired marine tries to protect an old college buddy that is on the run from a black ops assassination team and his college buddy turned out to be a terrorist at the end of the story? Can he undo the damage he has unknowingly done before hundreds, if not thousands, of people die? Major plot twist potential! (Terrorist)



• What if Santa Claus, depressed because of the over-commercialization of Christmas and the dwindling of the true spirit of Christmas throughout the world, loses faith in himself and, with it, his Christmas magic and decides to hang it all up? Will he find his way again before Christmas comes and goes? (Santa)



• What if a vampire worked the night shift of the police force in an effort to atone for what he has become? Can he protect his secret and maintain his control enough to only prey on those who would prey on others? (Vampire)



• What if a warrior travels back in time to kill the boy who would one day become a blood-thirsty warlord and fails? Do his actions give the child the knowledge he needs to change his future or do the warrior's actions set in action the chain of events that will bring that future to pass? (Warlord)



• What if a man fears he is losing his mind when a stranger that convinces him to not follow through with a suicide attempt keeps popping up in his life at random moments and he is the only one who can see him? Are these the delusions of a mind pushed to the breaking point or is he a guardian angel sent to put him back on the right path in life? (Guardian)



• What if the lost female heir to the throne is returned to the palace 10 years after the murder of her parents but the mastermind of their assassination is still at large and very, very close? Will she uncover the plot that made her an orphan before those who carried it out determine her usefulness is at an end? (Heir)



• What if a man is hired by a high-tech research and development company uncovers a plot to replace high ranking government officials and high-level executives of major companies with clones that will progressively transfer power and financial assets to a very small group of people that want nothing less than world domination? (Clone)



• What if a military genetic-enhancement program goes horribly wrong and ultimately leads to the near-elimination of the "normal" American population and their last chance of survival may rest in the hands of the man who was the prototype of the blood-thirsty ultra-humans that want to destroy them? Can the humans trust him not to betray them and can he trust the humans not to try and kill him at the first opportunity once he helps them? (Ultra-Human)



• What if, in a world of increasing terrorist attacks and atrocities, the U.S. education system is taken over by the military and converted to a system of realistic medieval living and warfare to train the youth to be tomorrow's warriors? But what if the televised footage of the devestating attacks that persuaded the nations to convert to the new system was nothing more than fabricated media? What if the battle training had no other purpose than to determine the best candidates for gladiator-like games that are televised to a society that has an endless thirst for violent entertainment? (War Games)



• What if three "gifted" women who have the respective abilities to stimulate adrenalin production, to stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain and to read strong feelings of emotion in others pool their abilities to solve the murder of a mutual friend while the murderer they seek is actually looking for them and getting closer? Will they be able to find the murderer before the murderer finds them? (Gifted)



• What if an NYC police man gets caught in a centuries-old battle being waged by the children of the Norse gods? Can one man make a difference in preventing the end of the world? (Ragnarok)

As you can see, I tend to lean towards action and adventure stories with some suspense and intrigue. If you have a good idea for a story that you would like to see written, put it in a comment and I will add it to the list ... or join me for NaNoWriMo and write the story yourself. I could always use more writing buddies!

To follow my progress after November 1st, keep tuning in to this blog or check out the word count for NiceGuy at http://www.nanowrimo.org/!

What Do You Give Your Life To?

"I know this now. Every man gives his life for what he believes. Every woman gives her life for what she believes. Sometimes people believe in little or nothing yet they give their lives to that little or nothing. One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. And then it is gone. But to sacrifice what you are and live without belief, that's more terrible than dying."

~ Joan of Arc

Lonely Mornings

It's funny how you never really realize how much you enjoy and appreciate the simple things in life until they are gone. Just think about all the simple things you take for granted on a day to day basis that you would miss the minute they are taken away from you ... refrigeration ... electricity ... running water ... indoor plumbing!!! Take any one of those away for a single day and you quickly realize how much you appreciate those simple conveniences.

I have recently realized how much I appreciate a small convenience that I have enjoyed each day as I get myself ready for work. I still have running water in the shower. I still how electricity to power my lights and heat my water. I still have indoor plumbing for ... you know. And my food is still chilled as I pull it out to prepare my breakfast and lunch. What I miss is my morning bathroom buddy.

My five year old son is the "early" riser out of my three boys. He would wake up every morning between 6:30 and 7 a.m. just as I was getting in the shower. He would come in the bathroom, crawl up on the counter and sit there as I got myself ready for the day. He would pull razors, shaving cream, deodorant and other items I use as I get ready out of the cabinet and put them back when I was done with them; all the while asking questions and making idle conversation. He would even volunteer his cheeks for any aftershave that was left on my hands so that he could smell just like me. After I was done getting ready he would say, "Let me smell you, dad!" As I leaned down close he would inhale deeply and then say, "Mmmm, you smell good!"

After we were done in the bathroom, he would follow me into the kitchen, still chattering away, and watch me prepare my breakfast and lunch. When I was ready to head out the door he would give me a hug goodbye saying, "I like you, Dad," and sometimes even adding in a "Have a good day!" He would then watch me get in my car and then wave to me as I drove away.

Starting this week my hours have been changed from five 8-hour work days to four 10-hour work days and I am required to be at work by 6:30 a.m. making it necessary for me to leave by 6 a.m. The house is dark, quiet and lonely as I am forced to get out my own personal care items and put them back when I am finished. Any excess aftershave is wastefully rinsed down the drain. There is nobody to chat idly with and nobody waves to me from the window as I drive away.

But there is an "up" side to all of this...

Due to the rotating nature of my shift, every other weekend I get a four-day weekend as I get both Friday and the following Monday off. On these days I get to hang out with all three of my boys and help them get ready in the mornings. I get to make them breakfast; chattering idly with them the whole time. And then, when the time comes, I get to walk my two older boys to their bus stops and wave goodbye to them as they ride off to their schools where they will satisfy their "yearnin' for some learnin'". Then I get to spend the rest of the day playing with my youngest and with my wife while I wait for them to return. These long weekends ought to help make up for all the lonely mornings I have to endure.

Don't We All?

I was parked in front of the mall wiping off my car. I had just come from the car wash and was waiting for my wife to get out of work.

Coming my way from across the parking lot was what society would consider a bum. From the looks of him, he had no car, no home, no clean clothes, and no money. There are times when you feel generous but there are other times that you just don’t want to be bothered. This was one of those “don’t want to be bothered times.”

“I hope he doesn’t ask me for any money,” I thought.

He didn’t.

He came and sat on the curb in front of the bus stop but he didn’t look like he could have enough money to even ride the bus.

After a few minutes he spoke.

“That’s a very pretty car,” he said.

He was ragged but he had an air of dignity around him. His scraggly blond beard kept more than his face warm. I said, “thanks,” and continued wiping off my car.

He sat there quietly as I worked. The expected plea for money never came.

As the silence between us widened something inside said, “ask him if he needs any help.” I was sure that he would say “yes” but I held true to the inner voice.

“Do you need any help?” I asked.

He answered in three simple but profound words that I shall never forget. We often look for wisdom in great men and women. We expect it from those of higher learning and accomplishments.

I expected nothing but an outstretched grimy hand. He spoke the three words that shook me.

“Don’t we all?” he said.

I was feeling high and mighty, successful and important, above a bum in the street, until those three words hit me like a twelve gauge shotgun.

Don’t we all?

I needed help. Maybe not for bus fare or a place to sleep, but I needed help. I reached in my wallet and gave him not only enough for bus fare, but enough to get a warm meal and shelter for the day. Those three little words still ring true.

No matter how much you have, no matter how much you have accomplished, you need help too. No matter how little you have, no matter how loaded you are with problems, even without money or a place to sleep, you can give help.

Even if it’s just a compliment, you can give that.

You never know when you may see someone that appears to have it all. They are waiting on you to give them what they don’t have. A different perspective on life, a glimpse at something beautiful, a respite from daily chaos, that only you through a torn world can see.

Maybe the man was just a homeless stranger wandering the streets. Maybe he was more than that.

Maybe he was sent by a power that is great and wise, to minister to a soul too comfortable in themselves.

Maybe God looked down, called an Angel, dressed him like a bum, then said, “go minister to that man cleaning the car, that man needs help.”

Don’t we all?

-Author Unknown

The Best Treat of the Week

My boys were unusually quiet and well-behaved in church yesterday which afforded me the rare moment of quiet reflection while taking the sacrament instead of the usual crowd control efforts to keep my youngest two from disturbing everyone that was unfortunate enough to sit near us. I had just taken the bread and passed the tray down the row when my three-year-old, who was sitting on the far side of my wife suddenly pops up his head and says semi-loudly, "Treat!"

After sharing a smile with my wife, I settled back into my thoughts and was suddenly struck by how right my youngest child was. It was a treat to take the sacrament! It is the one time of the week when I get to renew my baptismal covenants with the Lord to take upon myself the name of Christ, to always remember Him, to keep the commandments and serve the Lord until the end. And in return, the Lord renews his covenant with me to forgive me of my sins as I repent of them and to bless me with the companionship of the Holy Ghost. What greater treat is there than that?

I have been guilty on many occasions of taking the sacrament without much thought of how sacred and important that act is. I am thankful to my youngest for that reminder of what a treat it really is. I hope that the next time any of you are about to take the sacrament, in whatever congregation you may find yourselves in, will smile and think to yourselves, "Treat!"

My Wife ROCKS!!!

For those of you that know my wife, I am sure that many of you are well acquainted with how awesome she is. If you don't think of her that way, then you really don't know her because she really is amazing. I definitely married well above myself when I convinced her to marry me after much begging and pleading.

The reason I feel the need to shout her praises from the rooftops today is because she is a brand new...

Mary Kay Director!!!
This has been a goal for her for a couple of years now and she finally did it! It was an uphill battle to get it done, but she did it in two months rather than the four that they allow you and I couldn't be more proud of her.


For all of you who have supported her through the years by being a client or even just a cheerleader, I thank you for your contributions. To all the amazing women who are a part of her team, you ladies are the best and I look forward to seeing you accomplish equally amazing goals and more!

Everyone who comes across this post, whether you know her or not, I encourage you to stop by her blog and leave a comment with your congratulations as well.