The Great Conflict That Divides Our Homes

I think that most of you will agree that the most popular films and books through the years have been those who have conflict as their main themes. It doesn't matter whether it is good vs. evil, popular vs. unpopular, parent vs. teenager, alien invaders vs. a tee'd off Will Smith, and the list goes on and on. In recent years, a new conflict has arisen from the media itself that greatly divides our nation.

No, I'm not talking about the recent presidential elections or the debates over whether the government's attempts at "bailing out" the economy are a good idea or not. No, this strikes much closer to home. In fact, the conflict has even taken place within our homes. The conflict I am speaking of is the loyal Twilight lovers vs. non-Twilight lovers. (By Twilight lovers, I mean fans of books by Stephanie Meyers, not the time of day people, well, you know....)

The female gender, from teens to mature, married women, have fallen head-over-heels for one Edward Cullen; a dashing young vampire who has fallen for a young, teenage girl that he finds inexplicably irresistible. And I do mean irresistible because one moment he wants to drink deeply from her lips and the next he wants to bite her neck and drink even more deeply there. It is another literary tale of forbidden love and a teenage male who, after 108 years of being a teenager, still wrestles with impulse control around a teenage girl.

My wife happens to be one of those more mature women who have been smitten by Twilight-Fever. She read the books, which really surprised me since she was never a fan of vampires and werewolves. Quite the opposite, in fact. But she fell head-over-heels for Edward and his rock-hard abs that glisten and glitter in the sunlight. She even expressed to me at one point that she wished I was more adoring of her like Edward is of Bella. While I was tempted to joke that most married men are like Edward - one minute they want to kiss their wives, the next they want to kill them - but after nearly 13 years of marriage I have learned it is wiser to keep such comments to myself.

The reason I even bring up the topic of this undead, thirsty heartthrob is my wife came across a website last night in her search for all things Twilight that serves as a support service for men whose wives have fallen victim to the wooing ways of the Cullens. It is called Twilight Widowers Anonymous* and it is hilarious. It offers everything from tips on handling the Twilight-obsessed to encouraging, motivational posters such as the one below to get you through your own personal ordeal.



The post that had both my wife and I roaring with laughter was My Lame Obsession Could Totally Beat Up Your Lame Obsession where the author pits ten icons that men have obsessed over through the 70's, 80's and 90's against Edward Cullen in a knock-down, drag out fight and evaluates who would win. I laughed so hard it hurt over the verdict of Edward vs. Optimus Prime.




VS.




It doesn't matter if you constantly return to the "Twilight Zone" as often as you can or if you tend to "zone out" whenever someone brings up Mr. Rock-Hard, Sparkle-Butt, you will get a kick out of this blog.

*If you do go to the Twilight Widowers Anonymous blog, be forewarned that there is some inappropriate language and an occasional inappropriate reference. Rated PG-13 for lack of original language and imagery.

Worst Pick-Up Lines

Last week I took a quote from the movie Labyrinth and turned it into a bad pick-up line. My sister-in-law commented with a list of pick-up lines that cracked me up. I decided that you could all use a laugh so I searched the internet for more. I selected only those that weren't totally crude because there are some real offensive ones out there. I also made up four of my own and put them in here as well. Let's see if you can pick them out.

(Note: If you are single, good-looking and find that some of these might actually work on you, send me your name, phone number and a photo and tell me which lines work so that I can forward that information on to my single brother. At 28 years old, I figure he could use a little help.)

You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?

Hi. You'll do.

Come on. We're leaving.

I'm sorry, were you talking to me? (No.) Well then, please start.

Your name must be Mickey because your so fine.

Let's make like a fabric softener and Snuggle.

You're ugly but you intrigue me.

You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?

Excuse me, do you have any raisins? How about a date?

Hi, my name is Chris. I'm funny, financially stable, and have a very interesting DNA structure.

Can I take your picture? (Why?) Because I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

Hey baby, I'm like American Express; you don't want to leave home without me.

My love for you is like the Energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

Is your last name Gillette? Because you are the best a man can get.

Your place… or your place?

There must be something wrong with my eyes, because I can't take them off you.

You look a lot like my future ex-wife.

Do you... Yahoo!?

Are you lost? Because heaven is a long way from here.

If you were a new burger at McDonald's, you'd be McGorgeous.

All those curves and me with no brakes.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but I’m not picky.

My friend wants to know if you were born in those jeans.

Hey, baby, I am like Allstate. With me, you'll be in good hands.

You see my friend over there? He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

Your legs must be tired because you've been running through my mind all night.

Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, or yield?

Were you just smiling at me from across the room, or do I have my contacts in wrong?

Hey, I am a professional wrestler … wanna learn some new moves?

We both know that I am going to follow you home anyway, so why don't you just come along peacefully?

Baby, if I was a car I would be a Jaguar because I was born to perform.

If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

This isn't a beer belly--it's the gas tank for a love machine!

I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into the wall over there. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.

I know that milk does the body good, but wow, how much you been drinking?

Have you been arrested? It’s gotta be illegal to look that good.

Are you going to kiss me, or do I have to lie to my diary?

Excuse me, can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.

Do you have a name or can I call you "mine"?

I gotta thirst and baby, you look like my Gatorade.

They say loose lips sinks ships so why don't you fasten yours on mine.

Well, here I am. What are your other two wishes?

I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.

Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth-to-mouth, quick!

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

You must be a broom because you’re sweeping me off my feet.

Do you have a license? Because you’re driving me crazy.

Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to all my prayers.

Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put “U” and “I” together.

Are you a parking ticket? Because you have FINE written all over you.

Do you know karate? Because your body is kickin'.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

Hey baby, you must be Visa, because you're everywhere I want to be.

If I follow you home, will you keep me?

There you have it. Some of the worst pick-up lines out there without getting obscene and vulgar. Now that you have read them, I want to know how you would respond if someone used one of those lines on you. Let's see who can come up with the most creative response to some of the worst lines. Leave me a comment and let me know what you come up with.

Wise Parables from Children

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. Their insight may surprise you...

Better to be safe than.....Punch a 5th grader.

Strike While the.....Bug is close.

It's always darkest before.....Daylight Savings time.

Never underestimate the power of.....Termites.

You can lead a horse to water but.....how?

Don't bite the hand that.....looks dirty.

No news is.....impossible.

A miss is as good as a .....Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new.....math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll.....stink in the morning.

Love all, trust.....me.

The pen is mightier than the .....pigs.

An idle mind is.....The best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's.....Pollution.

Happy the bride who.....gets all the presents.

A penny saved is.....not much.

Two's company, three's.....the Musketeers.

Don't put off till tomorrow what.....you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as.....Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not.....spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed.....get new batteries.

You get out of something what you.....see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind.....get out of the way.

Something to Smile At!

Hello, again, all my fellow bloggers and blogettes along with all you blog readers and ... readettes? If any of you check my blog regularly, you will notice that I have been absent from the Land of Blog for over a week. I was so looking forward to posting something special for the 4th of July, too, but, unfortunately, life happened.

The day before Independence Day I started to catch a cold. It figures that I could run around all winter in nothing other than sweatpants and a light sweatshirt totally soaked with sweat and not get sick, but, as soon as we hit the 100-degree temperatures, I get a cold. The hard part of it is that I felt like I was almost over it this morning and then, all of a sudden, it just about knocked me out for the count this afternoon. It is now worse than it has ever been and I totally feel like crud. But it is what it is.

I don't like to dwell on the unfortunates of life, so I am so glad to have stumbled across the video below. I needed something to make me smile and this totally did the job. I apologize for the name of the video and website, but it is totally worth visiting http://www.wherethehellismatt.com/ and seeing what it is all about. Enjoy the show!

(Tip - Before you hit play, pause the music at the bottom of my page so you don't have overlapping songs.)

The Last Lecture

What would you tell your kids if you were told that you only have a few months to live?

Randy Pausch, a computer science professor at Carnegie Mellon University, faced that very same question as he was losing the fight with pancreatic cancer. Tradition at CMU is that professors leaving the university had the opportunity to give a final lecture that was open to staff, students and guests where they could share their reflections and insights on their personal and professional journey. At the end of his lecture, Randy told the audience: "The talk's not for you. It's for my kids."

While Randy was lecturing, a student was recording the event and later posted it on YouTube.com where it became an internet sensation. Clips of his lecture have been viewed by more than six million people worldwide. He was invited as a guest on Oprah where he delivered a much-abbreviated version of his lecture. I highly recommend that everyone take 10 minutes out of their day and watch this video!

Paul Pausch on Oprah

If any of Paul's words strike a chord with you, I recommend going to his website at http://download.srv.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/ and under the heading "Resources You May Find Helpful" near the middle of the page you will find links to watch the full lecture or download the transcript. There are also links to a lecture he delivered at the University of Virginia on Time Management that is just awesome. I recommend you watch that lecture and/or read the transcript as well because he gives many simple, practical tips that every one of us can benefit from.

And finally, if you have made it this far, and you are as impressed as I am with Paul Pausch and his message, his book The Last Lecture will be available April 8, 2008. Paul had to leave out a lot of thoughts and material from his lecture in the interest of time and because some topics were just too emotional for him to cover without breaking down. Now he is able to capture the rest of this in his book for his children's benefit and ours as well. I hope you will join me and support this amazing individual and the family he is being forced to leave behind by purchasing your copy here.

What We Give Our Kids

I want to share a quote with you that I came across today. It made me laugh at first, but then it got me thinking.

I am heavily in debt. Right now my goal in life is to be just broke. I wanna get back to zero. Someday, I'm gonna have nothing. I'll leave it to my kids. "See this? None of this is all yours."

~ Tom Ryan

I guess it really caught my attention because my wife and I have been talking about debt and finances off and on all day now. Things are tight right now and I think it would be great to be back at zero, but I could never be content with that. I am running The Millionaire Marathon and I will have over $1,000,000 in my bank account when I am done. The great thing is that it is all being created out of absolutely nothing!

Once I have made my millions, I don't know that I want to leave it to my children when I leave this mortal plane. Money can really ruin people if you are not careful (just look at what it has done to Paris Hilton and many other celebrities). I think you should give your kids love, laughter and faith-building experiences, but, for their sakes, never give them money! Give them nothing and see what they do with it!

It always amazes me what my kids come up with in terms of ideas and imagination. But imagination and ingenuity are not highly valued skills in the scholastic system. Problem-solving is taught more as memorizing rules and steps to come to a pre-determined answer. if you get the same answer as the teacher, you get a good grade. If not, they flunk you.

Real life, unfortunately, is not so simple. A solution for one person may not be the solution for another. Life is full of variety and people who excel in life are those who use their imagination, creativity and ingenuity to do so. It is no wonder why Walt Disney's theme parks are such a big hit - it is based on imagination and engineering! Not bad for a guy who was fired from a newspaper job for lack of creativity and accused of having no original ideas.

So, parents, look for every opportunity to give your children nothing and challenge them to do something with it! You never know - they could become a Disney-like success some day!!!

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Creativity and imagination isn't just for kids, though. I am a firm believer in creative parenting solutions. I heard of a women who had more than enough of her kids running around and whooping it up inside the house. So she marched all of them outside and then threw 49 pennies out into the grass telling them that they were not to come back inside until they had found all 50!