Holiday Humor

I saw this in today's newspaper and thought it was hilarious:





When I found the picture online, I also came across the following funny:



Christmas Carols for the Mentally Infirm:


Schizophrenia – Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia — I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic – Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and…..

Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Town (He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake!)

Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Attention Deficit Disorder — Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder — Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

Agoraphobia — I Heard the Bells of Christmas Day But Wouldn’t Leave My House

Senile Dementia — Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

Tourettes – Dashing through the {bleep} snow. On a one {bleep} horse open {bleep} sleigh. Over the {bleep} {bleep} {bleep} {bleep} … {bleep}

Alzheimers – On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me… ummm….

Narcolepsy - Jingle bellssssssss {whistle} {snore} {whistle}

Which Story Do You Want to Read?

A little over a year ago, I had a two-part post about how I was Living the Dream. In the second part, I explained about a month of craziness call National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo for short) where people consume enormous amounts of caffeinated beverages and induce huge amounts of stress by accepting the challenge to try and write 50,000 words or more in 30 days. Why do they do it? For the same reason people climb Mt. Everest - just to be able to say proudly that they did it ... that's all. There are some who have gone on to become published authors, but most don't.

I made my first attempt and generate a whole whopping 1,836 words. That's right! I lasted one whole day.

Well, November 1 is fast approaching and I am gearing up to give it another go. I think I can break last year's record. It shouldn't be too hard. All I have to do is last two days instead of one. But, really, my goal is to reach the 50,000 word mark. There is no better time to do this than right now. Okay, if you really knew my schedule you would think I am totally insane for even considering doing this, but I have procrastinated this goal for way too long as it is.

The first major obstacle that I am facing is deciding what to write about. I have a number of ideas in various stages of development and I am having a hard time choosing between them. This is where you can help. Read through the various descriptions below and let me know what your top three favorites are by taking the polls at the right of this blog. I would really like to know what interests you the most.

• What if Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy had become friends that first day at Hogwarts instead of enemies? (Potter)



• What if the unwilling human host of a cyborg woke up mid-way through his assasination mission? This one has political intrigue, a love interest, and more! (Cyborg)



• What if a retired marine tries to protect an old college buddy that is on the run from a black ops assassination team and his college buddy turned out to be a terrorist at the end of the story? Can he undo the damage he has unknowingly done before hundreds, if not thousands, of people die? Major plot twist potential! (Terrorist)



• What if Santa Claus, depressed because of the over-commercialization of Christmas and the dwindling of the true spirit of Christmas throughout the world, loses faith in himself and, with it, his Christmas magic and decides to hang it all up? Will he find his way again before Christmas comes and goes? (Santa)



• What if a vampire worked the night shift of the police force in an effort to atone for what he has become? Can he protect his secret and maintain his control enough to only prey on those who would prey on others? (Vampire)



• What if a warrior travels back in time to kill the boy who would one day become a blood-thirsty warlord and fails? Do his actions give the child the knowledge he needs to change his future or do the warrior's actions set in action the chain of events that will bring that future to pass? (Warlord)



• What if a man fears he is losing his mind when a stranger that convinces him to not follow through with a suicide attempt keeps popping up in his life at random moments and he is the only one who can see him? Are these the delusions of a mind pushed to the breaking point or is he a guardian angel sent to put him back on the right path in life? (Guardian)



• What if the lost female heir to the throne is returned to the palace 10 years after the murder of her parents but the mastermind of their assassination is still at large and very, very close? Will she uncover the plot that made her an orphan before those who carried it out determine her usefulness is at an end? (Heir)



• What if a man is hired by a high-tech research and development company uncovers a plot to replace high ranking government officials and high-level executives of major companies with clones that will progressively transfer power and financial assets to a very small group of people that want nothing less than world domination? (Clone)



• What if a military genetic-enhancement program goes horribly wrong and ultimately leads to the near-elimination of the "normal" American population and their last chance of survival may rest in the hands of the man who was the prototype of the blood-thirsty ultra-humans that want to destroy them? Can the humans trust him not to betray them and can he trust the humans not to try and kill him at the first opportunity once he helps them? (Ultra-Human)



• What if, in a world of increasing terrorist attacks and atrocities, the U.S. education system is taken over by the military and converted to a system of realistic medieval living and warfare to train the youth to be tomorrow's warriors? But what if the televised footage of the devestating attacks that persuaded the nations to convert to the new system was nothing more than fabricated media? What if the battle training had no other purpose than to determine the best candidates for gladiator-like games that are televised to a society that has an endless thirst for violent entertainment? (War Games)



• What if three "gifted" women who have the respective abilities to stimulate adrenalin production, to stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain and to read strong feelings of emotion in others pool their abilities to solve the murder of a mutual friend while the murderer they seek is actually looking for them and getting closer? Will they be able to find the murderer before the murderer finds them? (Gifted)



• What if an NYC police man gets caught in a centuries-old battle being waged by the children of the Norse gods? Can one man make a difference in preventing the end of the world? (Ragnarok)

As you can see, I tend to lean towards action and adventure stories with some suspense and intrigue. If you have a good idea for a story that you would like to see written, put it in a comment and I will add it to the list ... or join me for NaNoWriMo and write the story yourself. I could always use more writing buddies!

To follow my progress after November 1st, keep tuning in to this blog or check out the word count for NiceGuy at http://www.nanowrimo.org/!

What Do You Give Your Life To?

"I know this now. Every man gives his life for what he believes. Every woman gives her life for what she believes. Sometimes people believe in little or nothing yet they give their lives to that little or nothing. One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. And then it is gone. But to sacrifice what you are and live without belief, that's more terrible than dying."

~ Joan of Arc

Lonely Mornings

It's funny how you never really realize how much you enjoy and appreciate the simple things in life until they are gone. Just think about all the simple things you take for granted on a day to day basis that you would miss the minute they are taken away from you ... refrigeration ... electricity ... running water ... indoor plumbing!!! Take any one of those away for a single day and you quickly realize how much you appreciate those simple conveniences.

I have recently realized how much I appreciate a small convenience that I have enjoyed each day as I get myself ready for work. I still have running water in the shower. I still how electricity to power my lights and heat my water. I still have indoor plumbing for ... you know. And my food is still chilled as I pull it out to prepare my breakfast and lunch. What I miss is my morning bathroom buddy.

My five year old son is the "early" riser out of my three boys. He would wake up every morning between 6:30 and 7 a.m. just as I was getting in the shower. He would come in the bathroom, crawl up on the counter and sit there as I got myself ready for the day. He would pull razors, shaving cream, deodorant and other items I use as I get ready out of the cabinet and put them back when I was done with them; all the while asking questions and making idle conversation. He would even volunteer his cheeks for any aftershave that was left on my hands so that he could smell just like me. After I was done getting ready he would say, "Let me smell you, dad!" As I leaned down close he would inhale deeply and then say, "Mmmm, you smell good!"

After we were done in the bathroom, he would follow me into the kitchen, still chattering away, and watch me prepare my breakfast and lunch. When I was ready to head out the door he would give me a hug goodbye saying, "I like you, Dad," and sometimes even adding in a "Have a good day!" He would then watch me get in my car and then wave to me as I drove away.

Starting this week my hours have been changed from five 8-hour work days to four 10-hour work days and I am required to be at work by 6:30 a.m. making it necessary for me to leave by 6 a.m. The house is dark, quiet and lonely as I am forced to get out my own personal care items and put them back when I am finished. Any excess aftershave is wastefully rinsed down the drain. There is nobody to chat idly with and nobody waves to me from the window as I drive away.

But there is an "up" side to all of this...

Due to the rotating nature of my shift, every other weekend I get a four-day weekend as I get both Friday and the following Monday off. On these days I get to hang out with all three of my boys and help them get ready in the mornings. I get to make them breakfast; chattering idly with them the whole time. And then, when the time comes, I get to walk my two older boys to their bus stops and wave goodbye to them as they ride off to their schools where they will satisfy their "yearnin' for some learnin'". Then I get to spend the rest of the day playing with my youngest and with my wife while I wait for them to return. These long weekends ought to help make up for all the lonely mornings I have to endure.

Don't We All?

I was parked in front of the mall wiping off my car. I had just come from the car wash and was waiting for my wife to get out of work.

Coming my way from across the parking lot was what society would consider a bum. From the looks of him, he had no car, no home, no clean clothes, and no money. There are times when you feel generous but there are other times that you just don’t want to be bothered. This was one of those “don’t want to be bothered times.”

“I hope he doesn’t ask me for any money,” I thought.

He didn’t.

He came and sat on the curb in front of the bus stop but he didn’t look like he could have enough money to even ride the bus.

After a few minutes he spoke.

“That’s a very pretty car,” he said.

He was ragged but he had an air of dignity around him. His scraggly blond beard kept more than his face warm. I said, “thanks,” and continued wiping off my car.

He sat there quietly as I worked. The expected plea for money never came.

As the silence between us widened something inside said, “ask him if he needs any help.” I was sure that he would say “yes” but I held true to the inner voice.

“Do you need any help?” I asked.

He answered in three simple but profound words that I shall never forget. We often look for wisdom in great men and women. We expect it from those of higher learning and accomplishments.

I expected nothing but an outstretched grimy hand. He spoke the three words that shook me.

“Don’t we all?” he said.

I was feeling high and mighty, successful and important, above a bum in the street, until those three words hit me like a twelve gauge shotgun.

Don’t we all?

I needed help. Maybe not for bus fare or a place to sleep, but I needed help. I reached in my wallet and gave him not only enough for bus fare, but enough to get a warm meal and shelter for the day. Those three little words still ring true.

No matter how much you have, no matter how much you have accomplished, you need help too. No matter how little you have, no matter how loaded you are with problems, even without money or a place to sleep, you can give help.

Even if it’s just a compliment, you can give that.

You never know when you may see someone that appears to have it all. They are waiting on you to give them what they don’t have. A different perspective on life, a glimpse at something beautiful, a respite from daily chaos, that only you through a torn world can see.

Maybe the man was just a homeless stranger wandering the streets. Maybe he was more than that.

Maybe he was sent by a power that is great and wise, to minister to a soul too comfortable in themselves.

Maybe God looked down, called an Angel, dressed him like a bum, then said, “go minister to that man cleaning the car, that man needs help.”

Don’t we all?

-Author Unknown

The Best Treat of the Week

My boys were unusually quiet and well-behaved in church yesterday which afforded me the rare moment of quiet reflection while taking the sacrament instead of the usual crowd control efforts to keep my youngest two from disturbing everyone that was unfortunate enough to sit near us. I had just taken the bread and passed the tray down the row when my three-year-old, who was sitting on the far side of my wife suddenly pops up his head and says semi-loudly, "Treat!"

After sharing a smile with my wife, I settled back into my thoughts and was suddenly struck by how right my youngest child was. It was a treat to take the sacrament! It is the one time of the week when I get to renew my baptismal covenants with the Lord to take upon myself the name of Christ, to always remember Him, to keep the commandments and serve the Lord until the end. And in return, the Lord renews his covenant with me to forgive me of my sins as I repent of them and to bless me with the companionship of the Holy Ghost. What greater treat is there than that?

I have been guilty on many occasions of taking the sacrament without much thought of how sacred and important that act is. I am thankful to my youngest for that reminder of what a treat it really is. I hope that the next time any of you are about to take the sacrament, in whatever congregation you may find yourselves in, will smile and think to yourselves, "Treat!"

My Wife ROCKS!!!

For those of you that know my wife, I am sure that many of you are well acquainted with how awesome she is. If you don't think of her that way, then you really don't know her because she really is amazing. I definitely married well above myself when I convinced her to marry me after much begging and pleading.

The reason I feel the need to shout her praises from the rooftops today is because she is a brand new...

Mary Kay Director!!!
This has been a goal for her for a couple of years now and she finally did it! It was an uphill battle to get it done, but she did it in two months rather than the four that they allow you and I couldn't be more proud of her.


For all of you who have supported her through the years by being a client or even just a cheerleader, I thank you for your contributions. To all the amazing women who are a part of her team, you ladies are the best and I look forward to seeing you accomplish equally amazing goals and more!

Everyone who comes across this post, whether you know her or not, I encourage you to stop by her blog and leave a comment with your congratulations as well.

The Great Conflict That Divides Our Homes

I think that most of you will agree that the most popular films and books through the years have been those who have conflict as their main themes. It doesn't matter whether it is good vs. evil, popular vs. unpopular, parent vs. teenager, alien invaders vs. a tee'd off Will Smith, and the list goes on and on. In recent years, a new conflict has arisen from the media itself that greatly divides our nation.

No, I'm not talking about the recent presidential elections or the debates over whether the government's attempts at "bailing out" the economy are a good idea or not. No, this strikes much closer to home. In fact, the conflict has even taken place within our homes. The conflict I am speaking of is the loyal Twilight lovers vs. non-Twilight lovers. (By Twilight lovers, I mean fans of books by Stephanie Meyers, not the time of day people, well, you know....)

The female gender, from teens to mature, married women, have fallen head-over-heels for one Edward Cullen; a dashing young vampire who has fallen for a young, teenage girl that he finds inexplicably irresistible. And I do mean irresistible because one moment he wants to drink deeply from her lips and the next he wants to bite her neck and drink even more deeply there. It is another literary tale of forbidden love and a teenage male who, after 108 years of being a teenager, still wrestles with impulse control around a teenage girl.

My wife happens to be one of those more mature women who have been smitten by Twilight-Fever. She read the books, which really surprised me since she was never a fan of vampires and werewolves. Quite the opposite, in fact. But she fell head-over-heels for Edward and his rock-hard abs that glisten and glitter in the sunlight. She even expressed to me at one point that she wished I was more adoring of her like Edward is of Bella. While I was tempted to joke that most married men are like Edward - one minute they want to kiss their wives, the next they want to kill them - but after nearly 13 years of marriage I have learned it is wiser to keep such comments to myself.

The reason I even bring up the topic of this undead, thirsty heartthrob is my wife came across a website last night in her search for all things Twilight that serves as a support service for men whose wives have fallen victim to the wooing ways of the Cullens. It is called Twilight Widowers Anonymous* and it is hilarious. It offers everything from tips on handling the Twilight-obsessed to encouraging, motivational posters such as the one below to get you through your own personal ordeal.



The post that had both my wife and I roaring with laughter was My Lame Obsession Could Totally Beat Up Your Lame Obsession where the author pits ten icons that men have obsessed over through the 70's, 80's and 90's against Edward Cullen in a knock-down, drag out fight and evaluates who would win. I laughed so hard it hurt over the verdict of Edward vs. Optimus Prime.




VS.




It doesn't matter if you constantly return to the "Twilight Zone" as often as you can or if you tend to "zone out" whenever someone brings up Mr. Rock-Hard, Sparkle-Butt, you will get a kick out of this blog.

*If you do go to the Twilight Widowers Anonymous blog, be forewarned that there is some inappropriate language and an occasional inappropriate reference. Rated PG-13 for lack of original language and imagery.

Are You Real?

I came across a blog posting today where there was some concern about whether we should share our religious preferences and ideals on social networking sites like Facebook or just keep that separate. The reason the question was asked is because these sites link you to many people who would very well be outside your faith and there was some concern over them dropping you from their "friends" list or blocking you if you tend to share things that they don't believe in and/or agree with.

It is not my intention to raise that debate here. I have my opinion and you can follow the link above and visit the comments section to see how I feel on the matter if you wish. What I was curious about is how honest people really are about who they are when they post their blogs and network on Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and other popular social networking sites.

Please take a quick moment to share with us how real you are when you are online by answering the survey question in the margin of my blog. Please invite others to come and share their response as well!

A Little Funny...

Who Do You Think You Are?

I was reading a book today that really made me think about my life and the way I live it. It caused me to think about the way I think about and treat others, the way I think of and treat myself and the decisions I make each day. I have considered my life in these terms, but for some reason it really struck me today. So, I just want to throw it out there for any who comes across this to ponder and reflect on and hopefully to share further with others:

How do you see yourself?

As a human being having an occasional spiritual experience?

... or ...

As an infinite spiritual being having a temporary human experience?

Think about it for a moment. The way you answer this question makes all the difference in the world!

Proof that the Law of Attraction Works!

I don't know about the rest of you but I have noticed that whenever I choose to water the lawn, no matter how clear the sky is at the time, it rains within 24 hours. Now, if I were on irrigation it wouldn't bother me so much. It would already be covered by the $200+ that I pay to the Kennewick Irrigation District every year. But, even though I am forced to pay for it, I don't have irrigation anywhere near my property. So every time I water my lawn I have to use city water which is an added expense. So watering the lawn just before it rains is pretty much like throwing a wad of dollar bills out into the grass for whoever wants it.



What does all this have to do with the law of attraction? Hold on a second. I'm getting to that.

I finally had the opportunity to mow my lawn last night for the first time in three weeks because it rained or was raining during the only available times I had to mow. Because it was so tall it took me right up until it was dark to finish. When I woke up this morning I thought, "I should probably water the lawn now that it is short."

I checked the sky and it was looking a little overcast. I went on weather.com and checked the forecast and it showed that there was a chance of rain about mid-day for an hour or two. I decided to wait and water the lawn tonight if the rain didn't happen to pan out.

I read from the scriptures for about 15 minutes before heading out to play basketball and when I opened the door ... it was raining!!! And it kept raining for most of the morning. So now all I have to do is think about watering the lawn and it will start raining.

LoA Principle: What you think about, you bring about.

My wife now thinks I have an attractive mind and an attractive body!

Family Night Fretting and Fun

Every Monday night is family night in our household where we reserve time to enjoy one another's company while working together, playing games, etc. Last night I dragged my kids out into the front yard to assist with a small yard cleaning project before we played an outdoors game. I'm sure you can imagine just how enthusiastic my boys were.

In our front yard is a tree with which I have a love/hate relationship. I don't know exactly what kind of tree it is, but it provides nice, cool shade in the summer time. In the winter, however, it drops these spiky seed pods that, with the help of the snow and rain, become embedded deep within the grass. So, come springtime, when the grass is green, the weather is warm and bare feet are an absolute must (no exceptions - it is the law), these little pods of pain lie waiting for the unsuspecting foot.

In order to appreciate the experience, take a box of 100 bulletin board tacks, toss them all over your family room carpet and then proceed to try and cross the room with your eyes on the ceiling and your feet bare.

So the task I set my kids to was to pick up the piles of the little spiky devils that I raked out of the grass. I was the one breaking my back with the rake trying to extract the little demons from their grassy lairs, but you would think I had assigned them to clean out someone's septic tank with their bare hands with all the complaining they did. All I could do was encourage them to hurry so that we could play a game when we were done.

I finally called it quits after only getting have the front lawn done (a good general always knows when he is fighting a losing battle) and introduced them to croquet. When I was five years old, my neighbor used to invite me over to play croquet all the time during the summer and I had a blast. So I bought a croquet set that I found at a discount store four years ago and it has been collecting dust in my garage ever since (mainly because I have always struggled to keep up with mowing the grass to where it was short enough for us to play).

I brought out the set anticipating all the fun we would have. I figured, being boys, they would love the fact that they got to hit a ball with a mallet. It was perfect ... until my three-year-old decided that the ball was just a little too small and difficult for him to hit so he went after bigger game ... the neighbor kids bike ... the tree ... his brother ... me!!! I guess I should have seen that one coming. I predict he will have a very bright future in house framing. Just give him a hammer and point him in the right direction and he will pound anything you ask him to ... and probably a few things you didn't ask.

We did have a lot of fun, though. My five-year-old had the lead for most of the game with his mom following close behind him, but I managed to shake the dust off my mallet swinging skills to edge them both for the win. (That's right! I've still got it!) At this point the whining and complaining began again as we cleaned up the game and proceeded with the nightly torture session of feeding them dinner. I'm still not sure who is being tortured more - the boys for having to eat delicious, healthy food or the parents for having to listen to them complain about it.

How to Start Your Day with a Positive Outlook

I know there are many people out there like me that don't exactly look forward to going in to the J-O-B every day. Part of it may have to do with having someone dictate to you when you have to work, how long you have to work and what you can and can't do while you are at work. Well, here is a quick, simple process I found on the internet that can help you start your day off with a more positive outlook:

Open a new file in your PC.

Name it as "Boss".

Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

Empty the RECYCLE BIN.

Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?"

Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....

Feel better? Have A Nice Day.

Double Your 2010 Tax Day Refund - Seriously!

Congratulations! You made it to April 16th - the day after Tax Day! You can now rest easy for the next 291 days until you receive your next W-2. I want to share with you a real quick strategy on how to guarantee yourself a refund next year or possibly even double it by April 15, 2010. It is simple, it takes practically no time at all to do and it makes much more sense than what you are currently doing.

The American public have turned the income tax refund into a type of status symbol - the bigger the refund you get, the more forunate you are. What we have forgotten is that the refund is nothing more than the federal government telling you how much of YOUR OWN MONEY you get to keep. And the current average tax refund on individual tax returns is in the neighborhood of $2,345. That means you are giving the government an interest free loan of $45 every single week. Who is the fortunate one - you or the government?

Here is a way to potentially double the amount of money you will have to spend this time next year. The only reason I say potentially is because the tax laws change each year along with people's family size, filing status, etc. But I do guarantee you will have more money to spend next year than you do now by practicing a very simple discipline.

Take the amount of the refund you are receiving or have received this year and divide it by 52. Then round that number to the next highest $10 amount. For the average taxpayer this would equal out to $50. The strategy is simply this, take $50 and put it into savings every week until April 15, 2010. Using a very simple savings account with a 2% interest rate, within one year's time you would have deposited $2,600 and earned interest in the neighborhood of $26.

Some of you may argue that you don't have $50 to deposit each week - I beg to differ. You currently pay an average of $45 every week (more if you count medicare and other deductions) without batting an eye and you still manage to pay your bills. Why? Because it is taken out first!!!

The wealthiest people in the world have become wealthy because they learned the concept of paying themselves first. As soon as you get your paycheck, deposit the $50 first and then live on what's left. You will quickly realize that this isn't very difficult to do. If you are paid biweekly instead of weekly, deposit $100 every two weeks instead of doing it weekly. Just make it the first priority payment of every check.

Here's a way to make it even more exciting. You know you are paying approximately $45 too much each week to the federal government. Meet with you Human Resources/Payroll person of your company and submit a new W-4 so that this $45 will be left in your paycheck. Add this to your deposit and watch your tax day refund grow even faster. By the end of 52 weeks you will have deposited $4,940 and earned interest in the neighborhood of $50.

If someone is going to earn interest on your money, it may as well be you, right? And the best part is you won't have to guess whether or not you are going to get a refund and how much it might be. Just check your savings account to see! And even better, if you happen to end up owing on your taxes next year because of changes in your situation or tax laws, you won't have to scramble to come up with it. Just pay it out of your savings account and pocket the rest.

Doesn't this seem like the more intelligent way to get a tax day refund? I challenge you to give it a try. Let me know if you do!

Now, if you are worried that you wouldn't be disciplined enough to leave that money in the account, especially if an emergency comes up (like that big screen T.V. you have always wanted going on sale at Best Buy), there are simple ways around that, too. For example, open your savings account in a bank that is not convenient for you to get to like, perhaps, one on the other side of town. Set yourself up so that you can only make manual deposits and withdrawals - no debit cards and no online banking. This way you will think twice about making untimely withdrawals.

Remember, this will only work if you leave the money in the account. Treat your savings account as if it was the National Treasury. You can only take out the money on Tax Day 2010 and not a day before!

$ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $

Other ideas on how to increase your refund for next year include:

- Save money by having an experienced and educated friend help you prepare your tax returns and pay them less than you pay a professional tax preparer

- Deposit your savings in an account with a larger interest rate like, perhaps, a money market account or mutual fund. Just make sure it is a low-risk account.

- Educate yourself on the tax deductions available to business owners and the advantages they bring. Start a business next year to take advantage of these benefits. Home-based businesses are a great way to earn extra income and reduce your tax rate!

A Last Minute Tax Tip

April 15 has rolled around again and people all across this great nation of ours will be breaking the sound barrier as they rocket to the local post office in time to get the sacred 4/15 postmark. I wonder if the whole concept of electronic filing came about as a result of postal employees being hit and run over by rushing tax filers trying to beat the midnight deadline.

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.
~F.J. Raymond

The tax season is an exciting time of year for most people. It is the one time of the year when the government tells you how much of your own money you get to keep.

Did you ever notice that when you put the words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS?"
~Author Unknown

Personally, I think I should only be held as accountable to my promises to file and pay my taxes on time as the politicians are accountable for their promises to balance the budget, cut government spending and reduce the tax burden of the American public. What do you think?

Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income.
~Alfred E. Neuman

I have actually thought about making some extra money by writing a book on all the secrets people don't know about filing their income taxes, but I gave up on that dream when I realized it has already been done (not to mention the government would tax the living daylights out of it anyways). It's called The U.S. Tax Code. Unfortunately, very few of has have the super-secret decoder ring that will help us make any sense out of it.

The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.
~Author Unknown

Now, if you are stressed out tonight trying to finish your taxes and you happen to get stuck, allow me to share this one tip for getting through it ... guess! It works for 99% of the American public when they file their taxes so it may as well work for you, too.

Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.
~Herman Wouk

Creating the Perfect Day

The question is not

"Am I better than you?"

The question is:

Am I better today than I was yesterday?
Am I better this week than I was last week?
Am I better this month than I was last month?
Am I better this year than I was last year?

If you can answer "Yes" to the last four questions, you have nothing to fear, nothing to envy, and no apologies to make to anyone!

Found in the Instruction Manual of the Pull Your Own Weight program - a program designed to teach school-aged children to perform conventional pull-ups as a means of naturally eliminating childhood obesity.

It's kind of crazy how you can be focused on something and related resources come along from the oddest places. The last couple of days I have been working in my free time to reinstitute a personal accountability system that I had lost quite a while ago when the battery on my palm pilot died. The original system was a simple spreadsheet designed to help me cope with the many day-to-day things that I always seem to forget or simply did not plan time to do.

As a member of the LDS church, I have been taught since I was a child of the many things that would help me draw closer to God and bring His spirit into my home. They have included morning and evening personal, couples and family prayer; personal, couples and family scripture study; holding weekly Family Home Evenings; serving faithfully as a Home Teacher and in other callings; paying an honest Tithe; keeping a journal on a regular basis; exercising the talents and skills I have been blessed with as well as developing new ones; being a good steward of the financial blessings I receive and more. While I have been good in all these areas individually at different times in my life, I have never been consistently good at any of them for any length of time. I make a good effort at doing as much as I can, and I certainly recognize the blessings that have come from those efforts, but I never felt like "good" was good enough.

The Savior admonished us to "Be ye therefore perfect...." (Matt. 5:48) There have been years when I can honestly say that I was perfect at paying an honest Tithe, but I don't see any other area in that list where I was anywhere near so perfect. And if I can't be perfect in these simple and easy areas, then how can I possibly hope to be perfect in the more difficult ones such as forgiving an offender or loving an enemy.

A large part of my imperfect living I can honestly attribute to lack of focus. A list that large is somewhat overwhelming and it seems like it would take getting up in the early, early hours of the morning and staying up to the late hours of the night just to accomplish it all. But, as busy as my days generally are, I realize that there are times throughout the day that I could work on being more perfect in these areas. But I don't think of these types of things during those moments and spend that time on far less fulfilling activities. It just wasn't on my radar. This is what drove me to develop my personal accountability spreadsheet in the first place and to, more recently, create PAS 2.0 (Personal Accountability Spreadsheet version 2.0).


The spreadsheet became a visual reminder of what my personal goals were each day and became a visual "yardstick" for measuring my level of perfection in those areas. If I engaged in personal scripture study for the day, I would highlight the box under the day's date for that category showing it as complete. Inside the box was a number "1" with the text colored the same as the highlighting color so you couldn't see it. At the bottom of the sheet, I plugged in a formula to add up the ones and give me a percentage of perfection for the day. Some of those goals would have a minimum time associated with it, such as 30+ minutes of Piano Practice. If I could only get in 15 minutes of practice, I would still highlight it and change the "1" to "0.5" so that I would still give myself credit for making the effort.

I made some improvements to the concept with PAS 2.0 to help me better identify the areas that I needed to focus more on. I added a perfection percentage to the right of each goal tracking area so that I could see each month how perfect I was in each individual category. I also added a summary tab that would summarize my performance for each goal each month and give me an overall percentage of perfection for the year. This also enables me to see how I have improved in each category throughout the year. I have added a little bit of psychology by using various colors for the different goals categories rather than one color for all of them. I know use blue (peace, tranquility, confidence) for my personal growth goals, red (love) for goals that involve my wife, yellow (joy, happiness, hope) for goals that involve the whole family, green (money, renewal, generosity) for my financial goals, and orange (balance) for my miscellaneous goals that include the enjoyment and development of my talents.

I know this is all a bit "nerdy", but it helps me become a little more perfect today than I was yesterday. One thing I have learned over the years is that sometimes things in life improve simply by the act of observing them. This is especially true of human beings. Think about how much more animated and energetic children are when they know someone is watching them. We have a subconscious drive to do our very best when we know someone is watching our performance.

I know that I have a little bit of a competitive streak and the one person I love to outdo more than anybody else is myself. PAS 2.0 provides the healthiest competitive environment I have ever experienced. If there are 22 tasks that I want to accomplish in a given day and I only manage to do 15, I am highly driven to become a little more perfect by scoring a 16 or 17 the next day. If I manage to have a "perfect" day, I work hard to see how many consecutive "perfect" days I can manage.

I know some of you are probably freaking out over the fact that I have 22 tasks that I want to accomplish each day. To be honest, there are actually 25 - some of them just happen to be once a week and others are only every couple of days. But out of those 25 tasks, some can be done in as little time as anywhere between 30 seconds and 2 minutes. They are small disciplines that I need to do more consistently in order to live a happier, more prosperous, more fulfilling life.

I have also included tasks in here that I don't necessarily want to get done 100% of the time. Goals such as daily scripture reading, prayer, exercise and others are definitely the ones I want to become 100% perfect every day. But some goals, particularly those that allow me to enjoy my talents more, I just want to do more often than I currently do. Those include playing the piano, writing creatively, posting on my blog and doing artwork. So, if I score a 91% for the day meaning I accomplished 20 out of 22 tasks because I didn't do any creative writing or work on any artwork, that is still a perfect day for me. I did those tasks that were most important and I exercised and developed some of the talents that add to my joy and fulfillment. To me, that is perfection.

If you haven't already, I encourage all those who happen to read this to identify areas in your life that you would like to become a little more perfect in and develop a plan and tools for measuring your progress. If you are willing to embrace your inner nerd and want a copy of PAS 2.0 for your own personal use, feel free to e-mail me and I will send you a copy.

Up Times in a Down Economy

I have been absent from the blogging world for a while now because I have kept myself extremely busy these past few months chasing two major goals and dreams of mine.

The first is to build a successful business that produces an income that will enable me to eliminate my debts and insure that my wife will never have to stress or cry over our financial situation ever again. But the only way that I would qualify it as being a successful business is if, in the operating of said business, I would still have time with my wife and my kids. After all, what is the point in having more money if you don't have the time to enjoy it and you end up neglecting the really important things in your life?

The second is to help others accomplish their goals and dreams as well and secure for themselves the financial blessings they desire.

I am happy to report that both dreams of mine are coming true at the same time! I started working with an incredible telecommunications company last November and things have really picked up speed over the past month. It is amazing what is happening! The best part of it all is that I get to work with amazing people who aren't afraid to dream and are willing to put their time and efforts into accomplishing those dreams. There is no better feeling than putting time into a business where you know that your efforts are going to bless the lives of so many others and actually see those blessings coming to pass every day. It's awesome!

I am really excited for this weekend, though, because the one product that our company makes is going to be featured on the Celebrity Apprentice show this Sunday! While I would have picked a different day to air the show, I am very excited for what this is going to do for my family and the people that I am working with. I won't tell you exactly what they are going to show, but I will give you a little hint - it is somewhere on this blog and it is changing the telecommunications industry.

So, if you don't watch TV on Sunday, set your DVR to record it or take the time to watch it and see what I am talking about. If you like what you see, or are interested in learning about the other services that you are most likely already paying for (i.e. local and long distance services, internet, cell phones, satellite TV, among others) that we could help you save a little money on, get in contact with me and I would be happy to give you more information.

Lastly, if you or someone you know is experiencing financial difficulty and would like to know more about the company I work with, how I got started, and how I am achieving these financial blessings so quickly and, to be honest, relatively easily, I am more than happy to share that information with you and the people you know. That is the part that I enjoy most in this business - explaining to people how I got started in this business, what it has done for those who trained and support me, what it is doing for my family and seeing the light come back into their eyes as they realize that those dreams they had given up on are still possible.

If you have read this far in this post and are a little curious, allow me to give you some peace of mind about one very important aspect of my business - I am NOT a salesman. Acquiring customers is very important in my business and is necessary for me to get promoted and earn a larger income than I currently am, but I never try to pressure anyone into being my customer.

If I were to give my position a title of description it would be Information Broker. I provide information about my company, the services we offer and how we make our money as representatives. At that point, I step back and allow those who have been gracious enough to listen to me to make their own decision as to what they want to do with that information.

Those who wish to become a representative and make additional income or an income to replace their current one, I welcome with open arms and start teaching them right away how to get started and succeed in this business.

Those not interested in that aspect of the information, I offer my assistance in determining where they could possibly save some money as a customer. If I cannot save them any money (which is very rare), I ask that they do not become a customer of mine because I sleep better knowing that those who have done me a favor by becoming my customer has received an equal or greater benefit.

Those who are not interested in becoming a customer, I thank them for their time and just ask that they remember that if there is ever anything I can do for them I am more than happy to help them out in any way that I can. To do otherwise would be completely against my "Nice Guy" nature.

This is a test...

To ring in the new year this year (can you tell I am behind in my posting?), my wife and I gathered a group of friends and had a movie-themed party. We created a couple of games to play using movie titles, characters and quotes that were a big hit. We didn't start one of the games until late in the evening and most of our guests were not able to complete the challenge because they had to head home. So, for all of those who had to leave early, and for the rest of the world as well, here is ...

THE MOVIE TITLE TEST

The object of this game is to see how many movie titles you can figure out using the clues given. Some of them will be straight synonyms (i.e. The Deity Dad = The Godfather) and others will be more descriptive (i.e. Celestial Body Armed Conflicts = Star Wars).

Send me your answers by private e-mail on Facebook (so people don't see your answers - just search for Andy Jensen) and I will let you know which ones you get right. I will also e-mail the master test sheet and the answer sheet to anyone who requests them so they can use them for their own games and activities - but only after you have taken the test themselves.

If you think of a title of your own, submit it in the comments section so people can guess yours as well. Then, perhaps, the master will become the student.

Now, let's see how well you do...

1. The Sum of a Small Island
2. Pathway of Praise
3. Become Intelligent
4. The Dominion Retaliates
5. Master of the Bands
6. The Pious Man
7. The Acreage of Sleeping Visions
8. Ego and Bias
9. Free Chips
10. The Cat, The Crone and the Closet
11. The Violinist over the Attic
12. The Reappearance of the Supernaturally Gifted Warrior
13. Fortune Landmass
14. For Adoration of the Sport
15. Tranquility
16. Wisdom and Affection
17. Fathomless Part of the Bounding Main
18. Sovereign Wealth
19. Similar to Paradise
20. The Financial Chasm
21. You’ve Received a Communication
22. Male in the Ferrous Disguise
23. Colossal
24. A Quartet of Nuptials and an Internment
25. Fourteen Day’s Declaration
26. Chuck and the Candy Mill
27. Sugary Abode in a Southern State
28. The Flight Depot
29. The Trio of French Soldiers
30. Shape-shifters
31. Assignment Insurmountable
32. Magnificent-male
33. The Progenitor Snare
34. Specter of the Musical
35. Oyster Treasure Bay
36. Corsairs of the Gulf of Mexico
37. The Royal Daughter Journals
38. Incredible Quartet
39. The Amateur
40. Ensorcelled
41. Return to Tomorrow
42. The Shadowy Champion
43. A Jaunt to Keep in Mind
44. Trip to the Middle of the Planet
45. A Dozen Furious Males
46. Departed With the Breeze
47. The Double Quintet of Directives
48. The Spouseless’ Division
49. Ferrous Male
50. Earthpig Interval of Light
51. The Audibleness of Melody
52. Plunderers of the Missing Coffer
53. Marooned Person
54. A Stroll in the Stratus
55. Crooning in the Cloudburst
56. Joseph Against the Fiery Mountain
57. Stony
58. Prehistoric Playground
59. Expire Difficultly
60. The Morning Meal Association
61. 90210 Officer
62. Stuck in Heaven
63. Noiselessness of the Ewes
64. Explosive French General
65. Risk-Taker
66. Sire of the Soon-to-be-Married Woman
67. The Premier Paladin
68. Entranced

Hint – The rest are all animated movies!

69. Plaything Tale
70. Stunner and the Monstrosity
71. Vehicles
72. Poultry of Small Size
73. Abode on the Frontier
74. Frozen Era
75. The Amazings
76. Weapon in the Rock
77. The Ferrous Colossus
78. The Small Sea-girl
79. Resting Looker
80. Insect’s Existence
81. Wealth Sphere
82. Above the Row of Shrubs

I'm Still Here...

It has been quite a while since I posted on my blog because this has been a very busy year for me. I have been working my business with ACN consistently to free up my time and put all our financial concerns behind us forever. It has been very rewarding in terms of knowing what I do helps those I know, love and care about, it gives me hope and a focus for the future, and now the financial rewards are beginning to be realized as well.

I have never seen an opportunity like this before where people can change their financial future in their spare time with products and services that apply to nearly every household in their world and the rewards are mind-boggling due to the rapid growth of the company and the lack of competitors. It is awesome and I am so excited to be a part of it!

The best part of this business, though, is the people I get to associate with. I get to associate with a variety of people from different walks of life that are upbeat, positive and full of hope for the future. Most of the day I am surrounded by people who are whining and complaining about the economy and other issues and it is draining to have to listen to them. When I hook up with my business partners, it totally recharges and re-energizes me. You will rarely find a more wonderful group of people - and the best part about it is our group is growing by leaps and bounds each week!

So, for all my business partners, whether you are in my upline, my side-line, or my downline, thank you so much for your enthusiasm, your support, your encouragement, your love and your hard work. You are the best and I appreciate everything you do!

If you aren't one of my business partners, I only have one question for you:

Why aren't you?

Hyper-Focused in 2009

A belated Happy New Year to you all! I have been absent from the blogosphere these past few weeks due to my decision to pour every waking moment available into a major goal I have set for myself in building my business with ACN and taking control of my financial future. I have been having a lot of fun doing it and it has been very fulfilling, but it hasn't left a lot of time for posting on my blog. Those moments I have had, I struggled to come up with something to post about because I have been so focused on my goal and it has been difficult to think of anything else. Fortunately, my wife forwarded an e-mail to me that I would like to share with you in the next post.